Before The Lobotomy
by Rudeandgingerallonsy
Summary: First Sirius' death, then all the extra work the Ministry was piling on that, on top of her Order duties, kept her busy for days on end, and then everything with Remus – and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named gaining power by the second…no, thing were defiantly not going well for Tonks. Story of Tonks & Remus from beginning of HBP to Battle of Hogwarts.


**A/N: All characters, plots, & quotes from JKR. Title after the Green Day Song. Please R/R!**

Tonks fought back tears as the Order members, including Remus, left the meeting. She took a deep breath once she was alone, wiping her eyes as she stood up.

"Tonks?" came Molly's concerned voice, making Tonks jump.

"Shit – sorry Molly," She said as she knocked over her chair, blushing as she knelt down and picked it back up.

"Oh, don't worry sweetheart – what's wrong?" Molly asked, and Tonks felt Molly scanning her face, making her go even more pink.

"Nothing, I just…" Tonks said, and to her annoyance she felt tears well up again.

"Oh Tonks," Molly said, and Tonks was immediately swept up in a bear hug.

"He didn't even notice me," she felt herself say into Molly's shoulder, her voice sounding far too high pitched to be her own.

"Who?" Molly said softly, sounding confused. "Who didn't notice you?" Tonks pulled away, planning to leave – she had already said too much. Molly seemed to sense her plan, though, and caught her in the 'tell-me-now' gaze only mothers seemed to have.

"Remus," Tonks whispered, a tear falling down her cheek.

"Oh sweetie," Molly said, her eyes widening, and Tonks turned pink. Before she knew what was happening, everything came flooding out like a waterfall.

"I just don't know what to do!" She wailed. "I tried everything! I changed my hair, my body, my clothes – I don't know what to try anymore, and now I can't even morph right, and I'm all boring and ugly, and – "She said in a rush, and she found herself telling Molly everything, even that one perfect night she and Remus had shared following Sirius's death, and he complete denial of it ever happening.

* * *

"He'll come around," Molly promised soothingly hours later. Tonks' eyes had dried, and she had to admit she felt lighter, but it didn't change the fact the Remus didn't want her. Before Tonks could protest, they heard a knock at the door, making them both jump. It was about quarter to one – much too late for anyone to be visiting, and Arthur's hand on Molly's clock was still pointing to 'Work'.

"Who is it?" Molly called out nervously, as each woman drew her wand. "Declare yourself!"

"It is I, Dumbledore, bringing Harry," came the Head of the Order of Phoenix's calm voice. Mrs. Weasley looked surprised, but quickly hurried over to the door, unlocking it and flinging it open.

"Harry, dear!" Molly said, eyes wide, but still lovingly. "Gracious, Albus, you gave me a fright, you said not to expect you before morning!"

"We were lucky," Dumbledore said, and Tonks noticed him nudge Harry into the kitchen. He seemed embarrassed by Molly's nightgown, but was paying close attention to the conversation. "Slughorn proved much more persuadable than I had expected. Harry's doing, of course. Ah, hello, Nymphadora!" Tonks tried to smile as everyone turned towards her, but she felt too miserable to be able to.

"Hello, Professor. Wotcher, Harry," She said, noticing how Harry's eyes were fixed on her pale, ugly face. "I'd better be off," Tonks decided quickly, standing up. The sooner she got away from the pitying stares these three were giving her, the better. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly," She added sincerely. Oddly enough, it had helped, a little.

"Please don't leave on my account," Dumbledore said, ever the gentleman. "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."

"No, no, I need to get going," Tonks said. Dumbledore's wise eyes held far too much understanding. How was it the old man always knew what was going on? "Night," She said, trying to get out the door.

"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and mad-Eye are coming -?" Molly said, and Tonks felt her cheeks starting to heat up. The last thing she needed was Mad-Eye to figure out her stupid like crush.

"No, really, Molly," She said hurriedly. "Thanks anyway…Good night, everyone." Finally escaping into the back garden of the Burrow, she hurried to the edge of the wards as quickly as she could without it looking like she was running. As soon as she passed them, she pulled up a picture of her house in her mind and focused on it, spinning into the darkness.

* * *

Her apartment in London was small, but it was affordable on her small Auror's salary, and it was easy enough to protect from any Death Eaters. She hurried inside, angrily wiping away the stupid tears that were threatening to fall. Everything was falling apart. First Sirius' death, then all the extra work the Ministry was piling on that, on top of her Order duties, kept her busy for days on end, and then everything with Remus – and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named gaining power by the second…no, thing were defiantly not going well.

She stripped off her clothes, pulled on her pajamas, and crawled into bed, hoping sleep would bring her some escape from the problems that plagued her life.

_When she woke up, Remus was standing in her bedroom. _

_ "We need to talk," He said seriously, and Tonks nodded, feeling her eyes go wide. Could he finally be ready to actually have a relationship with her? Her heart thudded in her chest, and she sat up straight. He left the room, and she jumped out of bed, tripping on the blankets and falling onto her knees as she did. She scrambled upright – luckily, Remus hadn't seen anything. She hurriedly followed him into the kitchen, finding him sat at her small kitchen table. Nervously, she sat down across from him. _

_ "Tea?" She offered nervously, but Remus ignored her. Obviously – he had just said he wanted to talk, not have a chat over a cuppa. _

_ "Look, Tonks. I just wanted to set the record straight. I'm not interested in having any kind of relationship with you," Remus began seriously. _

_ "I know what you're going to say, and I don't care about the danger, I don't! Really, Remus – I just want to be with you," Tonks said, feeling those stupid tears well up again. _

_ "It's not the danger," Remus said. "I just don't like you, at all." Tonks felt her jaw drop over, and she felt like he'd just slapped her across the face. "You're too clumsy, and you can't even morph. What kind of a metamorphmagus can't even morph? You're ugly and I just don't want anything to do with you. I only slept with you because I was upset about Sirius, and you happened to be there." Tonks could feel the tears running openly down her face now. _

A loud screech woke Tonks from her dream with a start, and she grabbed her wand, pointing it at the intruder, breathing heavily, her adrenaline surging.

"Oh," She whispered as she laid her eyes on the Ministry owl. It ruffled its' feathers at her, and she sighed. She was getting as paranoid as Mad-Eye. She shook of her shock, reaching to take the note off of the bird's leg. It nipped her finger angrily, and she shooed it. "You stupid bird," She muttered angrily as she peeled open the wax-sealed letter.

'Tonks – another attack on Muggles. Cornwall. Approach from North. –Dawlish'

Tonks groaned. So much for a good nights' sleep. She rolled out of bed, changed into her work uniform, and bolted out of the house, apparating to Cornwall.


End file.
